1. When I die, I want my grave to offer free Wifi so that people visit more often.
2. My goal in life isn’t to become famous or powerful…it’s to make enough money to eat whatever I want.
3. My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend.
4. I will marry the girl, who look pretty in her Adhaar card.
5. I love food and sleep. If I give you a bit of food or text you all night, that means something.
6. Diets are hard because I get hungry.
7. I trust a lot of people not to kill me every day.
8. I’m pretty sure my dogs only sit in the window and watch me leave so they know when it is safe to sit on the couch.
9. Some people should just give up at engineering or medical. Like I have!
10. We live in the era of smartphones and stupid peoples.
11. Doing nothing is very hard thing to do…you never know when to finish.
12. I love my job only when I’m on vacation.
13. AwesoME ends with ME and Ugly starts with U.
14. Just saw the most smartest person when I was in front of the mirror.
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15. God is really creative, I mean...just look at me :P
16. My study period = 15 minutes. My break time = 3 hours
17. I'm not lazy, I'm just on my energy saving mode.
18. Please be patient even a toilet can handle only one ass hole at a time.
19. God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China.
20. Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, Then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.
21. Women should not have children after 20. Really… 20 children are enough.
22. That awkward moment when you realize that “deleting History” is more important than “creating History” nowadays.
23. If you can't Change a Girl.....Change the Girl.
24. When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…"
25. I think my iPhone is not working. I pressed the home button and I’m still at school.
26. I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.
27. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
28. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
29. We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than fat person.
30. Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
31. Life is short…smile while you still have teeth.
32. People say everything happens for a reason. So when I punch you in the face, remember I have a reason.
33. Car headlights should flash at the same time the horn is pressed to alert people with hearing difficulties.
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34. 500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
35. When two people are arguing and one person says “You know what…” , that argument is about to get awesome!
36. Asking if I’m hungry is like asking if I want money. The answer is always YES.
37. Life is short. Buy the damn shoes.
38. “F#CK It.” – My final thought before making most decisions.
39. I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
40. 7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
41. There’s no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.
42. If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
43. My boyfriend asked me for anal so I colour coordinated his sock drawer. I know what men want.
44. Some days you can’t play the music loud enough.
45. My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
46. Don’t grow up. It’s a trap.
47. Behind every crazy women is a man who made her that way.
48. Beautiful people are not always good, but good people are always beautiful.
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49. Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.
50. Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
51. Just because I don’t care, doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
52. I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.
53. My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
54. Never make eye contact while eating a banana.
55. I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
56. Facebook is the refrigerator of the internet. I keep going back to it expecting something to appear that I’ll enjoy.
57. Don’t jump to confusions.
58. When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
59. “I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional
60. I’m having trouble telling if it’s killing me or making me stronger.
61. Be f#%king polite. Please.
62. Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an ass.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.
63. Stop looking for trouble. I’m right here.
64. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
65. Sure, your prince might come. But just in case he doesn’t, God created wine.
66. Few things turn me on like good grammar.
67. No one is ever “Just kidding”.
68. Aaaaand I’m already over this day.
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69. Never let anyone tell you you’re too young to do something. A baby shark is still a f#%king shark.
70. I like my coffee like I like my oxygen – CONSTANT.
71. You’re ridiculous. Want to be best friends?
72. I’m happy as long as I’m not hungry.
73. I feel bad for the people who change their birthday for April Fools Day and then their mom wishes them Happy Birthday :)
74. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
75. Did anyone else get the email about them canceling school next week?
76. Yeah you're really pretty, pretty stupid.
77. You look like a before picture.
78. You have the perfect face for radio.
79. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
80. People said to follow your dreams so I went back to bed.
81. Marriage means silent suicide.
82. Silent people have the craziest minds.
83. If Monday had a face, I would punch it.
84. Enjoy your life. There's is plenty of time to be dead.
85. Life is onetime offers use it well.
86. Do you still hate me? I don't care!
87. I don't get drunk, I get awesome.
88. 3 mistakes of everyone’s life: Facebook, Twitter and Whatsapp
89. 80% boys have a girlfriend and rest have a brain...
90. Trust me you will dance - Alcohol
91. Brains are wonderful, why don't have everyone.
92. Rules are made to be break.
93. Save Water, Drink Beer!
94. Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
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95. Virginity is like a soap bubble, one touch and it is gone.
96. Dear Google, please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will you please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.
97. When a woman says WHAT? Its not because she didn't hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
98. How do people write an auto biography? I can barley remember what I had for lunch yesterday.
99. Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
100. I’ve been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea who uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button
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